Paul and I are fast approaching our second
decade together. I was 18 when we met and 19 when we became a couple. I was
cute, fun and a virgin; Paul was older (although in hindsight he was so young),
charming and sexy as well as being the smartest person around (no sarcasm
here).
It was perhaps only six months into our
relationship that we first discussed Paul’s curiosity about me being with other
guys. It was a nascent idea for him and our discussions were tentative and
exploratory and certainly existed in a universe that did not include any
formalised concepts of hotwifing or swinging – that was still some way off.
Instead, we talked about how much we would like to cheat on each other with
each other; how amazing it would be to be ourselves, but not ourselves, for
that moment of infidelity; to have access to, and share, the buzz of the
forbidden.
But we also returned to the idea of Paul’s
interest in me being with other men. Paul could taste the erotic thrill of the
experience and was aware that at the heart of the pleasure also lay insecurity
and jealousy. I was young, horny and conceptually open but, like many women in
early discussions of this idea, I was also concerned that there would
eventually be a call for reciprocity. While I could intellectually access the
erotic appeal of watching Paul with another woman, emotionally I wasn’t yet
secure enough in myself or in our relationship to be genuinely comfortable with
the idea. But Paul assured me it wasn’t about that and over time I believed
him.
So we paddled along, open to new
experiences but not actively looking for anything specific. Keep in mind also that this was the early
90s, so the internet was not yet part of our existence which meant that many of
these concepts were removed from our reality and the reality of our friends and
even if we managed to arrive at them independently, the concepts seemed totally
unchartered.
We played a little with some of our friends
- nothing too serious. A group of aspirant decadent intellectuals, we sought
our Georges Battaille moments in various pockets of suburban Australia. It was
fun, carefree and sometimes a little sloppy.
I remember another moment: I must have been
about 20 and Paul and I were, for some reason, in a pub one weekday afternoon
where we bumped into a musician Paul had known years earlier in another
incarnation.
We talked to him about our interest in me
playing with other men and he was keen. I don’t remember being attracted to him
but I was curious about the experiment, so all three of us found our way back
to our home. For some reason Paul went out to get something (maybe some
drinks?) and musician man led the charge. Before I knew it we were naked on the
bed and he was rubbing his cock against me in a way that was neither pleasurable
nor desirable. But I was young and not good at exerting control over situations.
Paul came back and was unpleasantly surprised to find that things had
progressed to this extent and that I had basically checked out of the
experience (largely waiting for it to be over and for the muso to leave).
It was neither fun nor horny and left us
with a bitter taste. Looking back (and maybe I realised this at the time, I
just can’t remember now) I was simply too young, inexperienced and with a
dearth of the assertiveness required to take control in these situations, which
frustrated Paul and meant we weren’t getting the experiences we were striving
for… but that’s all part of the learning curve I guess.
Fortunately, Paul and I have always had a
very strong and open communication as well as having built enormous trust and
honesty. We don’t just love each other, we enjoy being together and have a
friendship that only time, shared experiences and a real connection can bring.
So we worked on the idea, slowly, over time, with mistakes and successes.
But this is already too long and I will
call it quits for now. I will include more retrospectives over time as this
blog progresses. In the meantime, stay tuned for an expose of our sexual and
erotic personality types.
